One of the reasons I love BR is because Natalie deals with the mistaken ideas and view points behind destructive behavior. Jennifer, I think we have the same father! But that blaming the child for their own bad behaviour really sets narcissistic parents apart — it totally messes with you on every level.
I could totally relate to this post. I have narcissistic traits as well. Am in therapy to examine my behavior and change. I also experience empathy have since being a child — started with animals — felt horrid if anything bad happened to the ones around me; my father is highly abusive and cruel to pets. I never remember having any sort of connection to my father. How he could cause the horror he did and blame others will forever be a mystery to me.
I wish I could say fear of the abuser retaliating when you walk away is an exaggerated fear. It is not. We pose a real threat to rattling their complex web of self-denial and lies that allow them to exploit when we walk away. For me, I try and try again to have enough courage enough to fight for freedom from toxicity and move toward healthy life. I still crumble a lot. At times my family still tries to break me down. But I just keep getting up and moving for me.
And my geriatric rescue dog — I love her more than the sun and the moon and the earth and the sky and the stars combined — and I really do love all those things. Even with my parents, they retaliated when I stuck up for myself, so I quickly learned not to do that…well at least until I was 16, then I was out of there.
Of course they painted themselves as the victims and me as bad when I left. Courage and strength are key in building our sense of freedom and free will and staying away. I hope you keep getting stronger and stronger and are free for good from them. So glad you have your dear friend.
My best friend was a cat and I supposedly rescued him, but now, I think we rescued each other. Thank you for all of your insights and information, Jennifer. Before I cut contact with him a few years back, he liked to blame me for abandoning him. The nerve! I really do not get people such as this. This is exactly me and I am only just realising that my pattern of being attracted to abusive men has been the worst symptom of it.
After the most recent and obvious abusive situation it has hit me so hard that this is the exact reason it keeps happening. I have basically been dating a version of my abusive mother over and over again and they have been progressively getting worse. Lately when i find myself in the anxiety and guilt spiral I have begun picturing myself as a little girl curled up in a ball in a corner and suddenly i feel compassion for her and want to cheer her up with happy things.
I have put a picture of my little girl self on the fridge to help me remember. She is a nice girl and she deserves to be happy. Doing this is helping me, I feel like I am starting to take some positive steps.
I have some pictures of me at birth, 2 or 3 and then at 8 or 9 taped to my bathroom mirror. I do my mirror work with them. I was a fantastic child. I have yet to meet a child I could not say the same about in some way. You are a really eloquent and effective writer. Thank you for this and all your other articles, as well as your podcasts. Thank you. My sister who has scapegoated me for years was just diagnosed with lung cancer.
In hindsight I see that I was not helping her. There must be something wrong with me that causes people to behave this way. Taking responsibility for their behavior. I want to call my sister and offer comfort, yet I feel like I need to be prepared to be attacked.
I am the scapegoat of the family too. It was my mom before she suicided. I have no close friends and or emotionally supportive family. But I am waaaay better off than when I felt popular. I do feel grateful for resources like BR. Also, I cannot be clear enough on this: No matter how ill someone is they have no right to abuse you. There is a whole profession dedicated to taking care of the sick. Also, you are not responsible for your adult child if she has decision making capacity.
Somewhere along the line you internalized a message that you deserve abuse. You do not deserve abuse. Being the scapegoat is a grueling and painful role. You sound like you are strong and are healing and are taking very good care of yourself. We know are emotions and compassion are actually our strength. It is so much safer too. I consider healing and growing my main life goal at this point, so I am constantly looking for information, reading and apllying and practising what I learn. Over time they stepped up the abuse to where it was obvious even to me.
She needs extreme consequences her words! I imagine that what you are going through with your daughter is agonizing. I know you love her in spite of her behavior, but you still have to do what is best for you.
And, yes, abusive people more often than not abuse someone until there is nothing in the recipient left to abuse. I cannot thank you enough for your words, they come as a great value to me as I have an abusive relative that keeps trying to leverage me in to talking with her. Dear Natalie, Thank you for writing such a great article. I have always felt responsible for everyone, their thoughts, actions, behaviors etc. With Gods help and your wisdom, I can heal a little at a time.
Baggage Reclaim has helped me during many a hard time. God bless you. But I was wrong, and this inner critic or critics, as there are quite a few of them, which is why I though it was shapeshifting has now calmed to a dull roar and is, in fact, relieved to have the pressure taken off. At about age three, I remember my mother using me as her confidante, and complaining about stuff Dad did.
Struggling to fit in, feeling like I am back at school whenever I am at work,or at the livery yard where I keep my horse I dont go out socialising much — what are you kidding me?! Women bitching about me constantly, feeling left out when all I want is to feel a part of something. I try to help out as much as I can, I try to support friends and family, but I still feel as alone and as low as I ever felt.
And yes, my love life has been one disaster after another. Over responsible, me too. I can identify with everyone here. Cindy, your comment about being responsible for entire planet made me chuckle. What the heck is it? Now i believe i make people dislike me, despise me. I am ever grateful to a handful of nonjudgemental friends who have been with me through my toughest time of my domestic abuse and have stayed with me todate. One of them is the one who introduced me here in baggage reclaim.
I love them and can be myself around them without feeling judged. At work same, i first worked in crappy work place where the manager was a bully. I believe,with my life right now, no emotionally available, and well functioning and sensible man will want to be with me, or they will drop me once they know the real me. That is what has happened so far, and in cases where they have wanted to stay, they have sexual malfunction issues ED, micro P, PE. I might need that Online course.
We had to show gratitude for everything, always thank her for the stress ridden meal even if it was me who cooked and cleaned up after it. You never expressed any negative feelings, even physical pain, because yours was nothing compared to hers. We constantly were reminded how much our clothing, healthcare cost her and my dad. Complain about anything and we were threatened with being sent back to my neglectful, abusive biological mother. I learned to read the atmosphere in every room I entered, acquired ulcers starting around age 12 from the stress.
My dad passively watched and retreated into the Scotch bottle. At the end, she was a pitiful, nearly helpless, trashy drunken mess.
It took years of reading all I could find about family dysfunction to understand what happened, why, and why I felt so different from everyone around me, especially peers.
Mentally, I was and probably am two decades ahead of them. After raising my bro, no way was I ever going to be trapped in a family setting ever again.
Today I turn 56 and celebrate my 10th year of cancer survival. In a study conducted by The Spanish Journal of Psychology, researchers explain that women are more prone to feelings of habitual guilt compared to men. Regardless, millennials — both men and women — often find themselves feeling guilty.
Most particularly for taking vacations. In a British study , researchers found that people spend over six hours a week feeling guilty. The causes range from procrastination, shopping, swearing and even snoring. One study found that pre-school onset depression was heavily influenced by guilt and while another study suggested that shame and guilt are major contributors to social anxiety.
The nature of guilt is, however complex. While the reasons behind them sound simple, they oftentimes come in small doses which may lead to being habitual. According to psychologist Dr. Guy Winch:. Recognizing that you have feelings of habitual or toxic guilt is already a step towards feeling better about yourself. Here are some simple ways to help you stop feeling guilty. We tend to be our own worst critics.
Particularly when it comes to our feelings of shortcomings or unworthiness. Our revealing new quiz will help you discover your hidden superpower and unlock your greatest gifts in life.
Check it out here. According to psychologist Melanie Greenberg:. Compliment yourself in front of the mirror. Stop overthinking all your mistakes and faults.
You believing it is the problem. Burns writes:. Change and learning occur most readily when you a recognize that an error has occurred and b develop a strategy for correcting the problem. An attitude of self-love and relaxation facilitates this, whereas guilt often interferes.
Instead of putting yourself in a mental prison, use your energy to do something productive about your problem. According to organizational behavior expert Thomas Bateman:. The more significant the trajectory change that you attempt, and the more substantial and widespread the impact over time, the more proactive your actions.
I say… I am sorry I upset you! What if you need to come to a resolution to proceed with something we have to do together? Hah Why do you need to do something beyond apologizing? Thank you for your thoughtful reply! I really needed to hear it. Truee mate. Facebook Twitter Instagram Pinterest. This website uses technologies, such as functional cookies and external scripts, to improve your experience and analyze traffic to the website.
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